Monday, April 03, 2006

Guns for IPODs!!

Remember a few posts back when I mentioned that I was once married to a conservative, German-American gun freak? During that marriage I was encouraged by said man to purchase a Chinese made SKS assault rifle, which I did. This gun, a glorified "hunting rifle" has been stored in my parents basement since the end of the marriage. I don't need, or want, this gun. It is merely and investment at this point. In the many years its been stored it has doubled in price since I bought it. Many thanks to the Clinton Administrations ban on assault weapons in 1994. Ten years have passed, and Congress allowed the ban to be lifted. Hey! This is a good time to legally sell this weapon and turn the cash over for a much desired IPOD. Fluffy Stuffin' agrees that the sale of this weapon in exchange for a glorious IPOD ranks high on my karmic meter. Yes! Cleanes the old self, embrace the new.

While in my parents basement looking for this gun, my dad comes down and says "I let Klaus* take one of my guns to clean, and I never got it back from him. It was the first gun I ever bought. Do you think he still has it?" "What!?! You tell me this now? I have no idea. I haven't spoken to him since I left him", I reply, exasperated. "Oh, I didn't know you didn't speak to him..." "Geez, dad. Do you still speak to your ex-wife?" "Eh, no. That was over 40 years ago. Why would I speak to her?" "My point exactly, dad".

On the drive back to my house, I kept thinking about how disappointed my dad was over his gun. It was true, I hadn't spoke to Klaus since I left our house key on the table and shut the door, never to return. In other words, I was the perfect ex-wife. I didn't have a number for him, and I wasn't about to call his parents for it. Once home, I grabbed the phone book. I was fairly sure that Klaus' overly paranoid self had a non-published number. H, Himmler*, hmm....Shit! There it was! Himmlr...misspelled, ha. Himmlr, Klaus. I jotted the number down, blocked my cell number via *67 and called his house. This is how it went:

Ring...Ring...

(sweet woman voice) Hello?
(me) Is Klaus there?
(sweet woman voice) Yes, he is. May I ask whose calling?
(me) He's cleaning a gun for my dad.

long pause...phone is set down, and is immediately picked up again.

(angry woman voice) What did you say your name was again?
(me) I didn't. Let me talk to him.

phone is dropped loudly

(Klaus) Hull-Oh?
(me) It's Cami. I was at my parents house today, and my dad
mentioned to me that he let you take a gun of his to clean it
and he never got it back.
(Klaus) Ah, I thought he gave it to me.

loud, unidentifiable yelling in background on his end

(me) Apparently that isn't the case. He said he let you take it to
clean it. It was the first gun he ever bought. I want the gun
back, Klaus. Is there a problem? Did you sell it?
(Klaus) Ah, no, I still have it. Um, I'm really busy....

interupted by an evil sounding woman voice in background. "Tell that fucking cunt never to call MY house again!

(me) If she doesn't want people calling HER house, then you shouldn't
have published YOUR number in the book. You know that!
(Klaus) It's okay...

evil voice in backgound- "It is NOT!! I don't ever want her fucking calling! This
isn't (muffled) fucking cunt bitch!


(Klaus) It's okay!
(me) Who are you talking to? Me or her?
(Klaus) You.
(me) Me? Sounds like you should be telling HER that. Is she crazy?
Does she honestly think I'm calling to get you back? I assure
you, that is not the case.

more muffled sounds on the line...finally, it is quiet.


(Klaus) I'm very busy this week. I can get it to you in about a week.
Where do you work?
(me) I am self-employed. Bringing it to my job is out of the
question.
(Klaus) What about Ron? Does he still live in the same place?
(me) Ah, yes. I'll let him know to expect it.
(Klaus) Okay. Can I get his number? I'll call before I stop by.
(me) His number's in the book, just like yours...

I gave him the phone number

(Klaus) Okay. Ah, it'll be next week...
(me) Yeah, you said that already. Ah, bye.
(Klaus) Bye

phone hangs up

I immediately call Ron (at Fluffy Stuffin') to let him know what is up. While on the phone to him, Ron gets another call and clicks over to it. Ron comes back to our call. "Camie? That was Klaus. He told me to tell you that he just spoke to your dad. He is dropping the gun off to him in person". Now I get another call on my phone. Caller ID says it's my parents. I tell Ron I'll phone him later and switch over to my parents call.

My mother, oblivious to this gun issue tells me that Klaus called my dad. She gives the phone to my dad who is laughing. "That was fast! Klaus said he wanted to drop it off to me in person. He wanted to make sure it got to me safely. He wasn't comfortable dropping it off at Ron's". More laughing... I say, "Oh, wouldn't that be something? I use all the paranoid shit he taught me and turn it against him." More laughing from my dad....

*name has been changed for obvious reasons...

So, there you have it. This post sat in the draft file for a week before I could actually post it. Klaus was to drop the gun off to my dad this past Saturday... Yeah, right. The fuck never did as he said. My dad doesn't want to "make waves" by calling Klaus out on it. My parents have asked me NOT to phone him again. I had a hard time shoving that down. What a gutless piss ant Klaus is. Wow, I am tempted to let his real name be known....Dear Klaus, "I'll be your number one with a bullet. (you have)A loaded gun complex, cock it and pull it!"

title credit: Ron at Fluffy Stuffin'
ending credit: "Sugar, we're goin' down" by Fall Out Boy

11 comments:

FOUR DINNERS said...

Remind the bastard who won the war! That'll piss him off! Actually I've gained some German friends after Eisenberg so maybe not...S'only a gun n it sounds like he's landed a real nutter there so maybe he's sufferin' enough!

On the other hand the Old Pretenders have a player - Columbian Steve - who has contacts with all kinds of Columbians... If Klaus really pisses you off the OP's could branch out into Columbian hit squads? Well we're not much good at football n it'd make Sundays more interestin'...

You take care babe. You've got a whole new life with (can I say his name here?)...n Klaus is history.

He pisses you off too much n Columbian Steve might make that an accurate statement!

...er...you won't shoot us if we lose will you?

tideliar said...

I'm sorry babe. That fucking sucks. I hate selfish liars and pricks. I got some hoodies in DC, you me to make a call?

Ranting Dullard said...

Ola! Me LLamo Columbian Steve. Tengo un gun.

Ha!

Kidding you.

What kind of looney wants a gun? Really, what a crazy fucked up world where you can buy an assault rifle!

Most offensive item you can get in the UK is Tony Blair's biography.

StripeySocks said...

Grrr... You should call him anyway. Or go to his house. Or... considering he's a gun freak, maybe that's not a good idea.

His wife/girlfriend person sounds like she's insane...

Laura said...

I agree with crazycrochetteen. What he has at home is far worse than any plague you could wish on him.

Nice that you didn't have to do anything, hmmm? I think your dad should nag Klaus. Maybe the insane woman wouldn't be as upset if the caller is male.

d34dpuppy said...

do u no ne lawyers that will write a letter 4 him? threats r good if i lived over there id cut off his arms 4 u

the cappuccino kid said...

why not take advantage of your gun? go and sit outside his house with it and see how long it takes for him to get it back to you!!!

just been on the opfc site, nice piccy girl.

enjoy your i-pod. x

FOUR DINNERS said...

You missed the fun CV. I've been inflammatory but I'm cured now....

Camie Vog said...

Oh, I didn't miss it. I feel it is important to state personal views. One must expect that out of all these people who read our blogs, someone is bound to have an issue with what we say. You had some very valid points in your post. In my opinion, D was no less inflammatory than you were. I understand where she is coming from, it is hard when people don't accept our views. Perhaps I am desensitized regarding religious and cultural issues being since I have been raised in America. The one American commenter on your blog mentioned that we are a melting pot...D didn't like that, in terms of the commenters view on speaking English in the U.S. Remember, we "took" this land from the Indians who were here first. I hope in her rebutle on her blog, she delves into English history regarding land "taking".
You are fine, 4D. Keep it real, man!

FOUR DINNERS said...

Thanks CV. Knew I could count on you.

x

bob said...

I started to write a clever parody of the Aerosmith song "Jamie got a gun", but then I realized you don't actually have the gun and demurred.

The image of that schlubb pulling up in front of the House of Fun with a long parcel wrapped in a dirty blanket, a screaming harpy fogging up the windows of his 15-year old Celica behind him, was too much for me to bear. So I got some coffee.

Then the image of Ron actually taking the long parcel wrapped in a dirty blanket occured to me, accompanied by the subsequent image of his having to transport said long object wrapped in a dirty blanket, and was overcome with. . .something.